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I did not see this coming…. My heart is gone :(

Posted by: | February 27, 2018 | 11 Comments |

A few hours after my last post Zuko started becoming interested in food! specifically chicken so I got him some to eat and he seemed to be getting back to normal. The next day I worked a full day at the clinic so I dropped him off to my ex’s place in the morning since my ex was off. When I dropped him he was fine. He was happy and drinking water. I came back during my lunch break and he seemed back to normal – He stopped having diarrhea and was starting to eat. It seemed as thought his spark came back. I fed him a good amount of chicken but not too much to possibly upset his tummy. When I left he was all smile as usual.

After my shift ended, I went to go pick him up and once I got there my ex had told me that Zuko threw up everything he had eaten at lunch and he continued to throw up just clear saliva-like liquid with piece of his food. I put him in my car and rushed to the vet before my vet goes home and I tried to contact him but to no avail.

I just brought him home and I cried and I loved on him. I knew it was his time so I called my ex to come and we both were there when he passed. It was horrible and I knew he was in pain. This was not how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to have one last day at the beach and just do things together then he would go to sleep and pass without feeling the pain of dying.

I feel I failed him. I should have known. I just… I thought he was getting better.

I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t know what to do anymore or how to move forward.

He was my heart and I lost him. A part of me is gone and a piece of my heart was just ripped out 🙁

 

under: Uncategorized

11 Comments

  1. By: dawn3g on February 28, 2018 at 12:00 am      Reply

    Jane–we’re shedding many tears here with you. Your love and devotion to Zuko was clear, and you did all you could to make his life as wonderful as possible. You and Zuko are a model to us–your blogs reinforced the focus we should have on our dogs, not all these extraneous, outside things that get in the way of them living their lives and being dogs. We always second guess decisions we make on their behalf, but as an outsider looking in, I really feel your bond with Zuko and know you did all possible to enhance his life. He was lucky to have such a dedicated, adoring Mom.

    Sending you hugs across the miles…our heart hurts for you.

    Love,
    Dawn and Fallon
    (and Paul and Maggie)

  2. By: Michelle on February 28, 2018 at 12:10 am      Reply

    I am sorry for your loss. Run free Zuko. This part of the journey is the toughest. Watch for signs he will let you know he is ok.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Michelle & Angel Sassy

  3. By: rikntracy on February 28, 2018 at 1:28 am      Reply

    I am SO SO sorry, Jane. Oh my gosh, I know you’re in agony right now. Zuko was a beautiful boy. He IS a beautiful boy. He is free.

    I know there are no words to describe your pain, especially since his transition was not the way you wanted…but there are two things that you have to try and hold on to because they are absolutely true: (1) He is ok now, and (2) Zuko left this world knowing you LOVED HIM SO VERY MUCH. He KNEW that without question.

    I understand that your heart is ripped out. I lost my Pittie boy Zato a week ago and I am in really rough shape. We all need to lean on each other right now to try and survive.

    You are in my thoughts and I hope you know how much people here care.

    Tracy & Warrior Angel Zatoichi

  4. By: linda8115 on February 28, 2018 at 3:23 am      Reply

    I’m so sorry! Please be kind to yourself….don’t focus on the end but remember all the beautiful love filled time you each had throuout the years. Know we feel your pain and are here to support you through this hardest part of this journey. Fly free new Angel! 😥💔

  5. By: JESH on February 28, 2018 at 3:50 am      Reply

    I’m am so sorry. It is evident of your love for Zuko. He is at peace and I hope you find away to peace. We hear and read so much about celebrating a last day, week, month with our beloved pets, but I’m afraid that is the exception not the rule to how most lose their pets. You gave him a good life. Try to focus on what you did give him—-your love.

  6. By: sebastiandoodle on February 28, 2018 at 5:57 am      Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss Our thoughts and prayers are with you
    and your family during this tough time.

    I lost my doodle Sebastian a little over a month ago and what helped me a little was to constantly remember all the great things about him instead of what happened at the end – try and focus on those things.

    I may not have posted on your blog before, but I know Zuko has always had an amazing smile. He’s not in pain anymore and is smiling at you from the stars above.

  7. By: benny55 on February 28, 2018 at 9:02 am      Reply

    Sometimes this site can be one big gigantic heartbreak, and it is today.

    Just soooo gutted to hear this. Our tears fall with yours today.

    We all know there are no words to help. We can only let you know how much we care, how much we also adore Zuko, how much we admire the care and devotion you gave Zuko.

    Please read everyone’s replies over and over. One of the overriding themes that we all see so clearly is how very much you love Zuko and how very much you left no stone unturned when it came to his care!!
    I know it’s hard for you to see right now, but you knew no limits when it came to giving Zuko the best life possible every single moment of every single day.

    Upon reflection, you will eventually see that Zuko didn’t need another beach trip, or another this or that. Zuko had more than enough good times to carry him with a happy heart through eternity.

    Something that really stood out to me is that Zuko gave YOU a happy memory to hold onto as he prepared to head to the Bridge. Zuko DID have a good day before he transitioned. He ate, he showed you his smile….it was his version of a day at the beach”.

    While his physical body was letting go and going through the motions of shutting down, Zuko’s eternal Soul…his eternal energy…his eternal Spirit, was rejoicing as he was beginning ro feel healthy and happy and whole again!! That’s what you must remember!! That’s what Zuko wantsnyou to remember! He was surrounded by your love as he headed to the Bridge SMILING the whole way!!

    PLEASE STAY CONNECTED. PLEASE LET US HELP CARRY YOU UNTIL YOU CAN STAND ON YOUR OWN.

    Your void, the break in your caregiver routine will make your world stop for awhile. You will be soooo empty for awhile. You will hurt. You will cry non stop. We understand like no others can.

    Zuko WILL connect with you. He WILL let you know his energy is still with you. It may not happen right away though because he is sooo happy running around on all fours like a wild child with all hus buddies at the Bridge! And he is eating cake and ice cream like a piggy!! And everyone at the Bridge fell in love with Zuko the second he flashed that happy smile at them when he got there.

    Zuko touched us all. The bond you shared touched us all. The unfailing devotion and care you gave Zuko is a standard that we all wish we could attain if necessary.

    Zuko’s life mattered and he will NEVER be forgotten here!! NEVER!!

    Surrounding you with Zuko’s enlightened smile and his eternal love

    Sally and My Chunky Spiritual Being Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie

  8. By: jerry on February 28, 2018 at 10:17 am      Reply

    Oh no! Our hearts just ache for you and your sweet Zuko, we are truly, truly sorry.

    Please know you did nothing wrong, you did everything right. You got him the best care that you could, you showered him with love and you made every day the best it could be under some very tough circumstances. Be proud of that, because we know that Zuko is proud of you, and so are we.

    This time is so, so hard. Yes you will feel awful and second guess everything. It’s OK, we understand because we did it too. But in the end, remember that those last few minutes cannot steal away the good times that you and Zuko shared. He was so much more than his final minutes, he had a spirit that transcended the pain, his spirit is an eternal joy that will always be close to your heart. In time you will feel it, I promise, but for now, just be good to yourself, take your time and know that we understand how awful this feels.

    With all our heart,
    Rene, Jim, Wyatt, Spirit Jerry & the Tripawds Nation

  9. By: 4myty on February 28, 2018 at 11:59 am      Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss!I know how much this hurts. Please don’t 2 nd guess your decisions, I know that is a tough one. But he was ” smiling ” up to the end. There are really no words that help right now, I know. I agree with Michelle, keep a lookout, he will show you that he is fine and still watching out for you. LORI, angel Ty Guy and gang

  10. By: midnighter94 on February 28, 2018 at 1:29 pm      Reply

    Please know that it’s very common for dogs (and people do this too) to rally before they go. Often times when the end is near, all of a sudden they do so much better! And then they go. It’s like they get this burst of energy, pain is better, they’re hungry … People do the same thing. This is not something you missed! This is something you wanted to see, you wanted to see Zuko get better! And he was feeling better, and he got to spend some time with you, and with his daddy, too. He knew how very much you loved him, and he loved you right back.
    Please know that you did nothing wrong, and everything right. It hurts so very much, like a knife. And you have a hole in your heart. Hold on to us, that’s what we’re here for.
    Donna

  11. By: paws120 on March 1, 2018 at 10:03 am      Reply

    You did NOT fail him. I can’t even read all the responses, my heart breaks with you. You are an awesome mama… don’t ever second guess that. When the time comes it is always different. Your baby is in heaven now, and is happy and healthy. He would not want you to do this to yourself. Sending you the biggest and strongest of hugs. May you find peace.
    Jackie

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